A Penny For Your Thoughts

At times like this…

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May 2011 was like a roller-coaster ride. There’s ups, and there’s downs. It made me want to scream out of disappointment, frustration, horror, and many more negative emotions.

But as they say, life goes on, and I shall have to persevere, cuz for what it’s worth, I cannot change the world and the people in it. I can only change myself, and therefore, I shall have to take the world as it is, and not as how I wants it to be.

It’s been hard. Life is getting rather stressful and difficult to handle. Work, especially is rather overwhelming. It’s piling, and I’m getting backaches and merely 4 hours of sleep every day.

I know I shouldn’t complain for I am still lucky to have a roof over my head and warm dishes on my table and not to mention loving family and wonderful friends who would cheer me on and give me moral support unconditionally. I am forever grateful. And I am indeed very blessed in so many ways that I never thought possible.

But at times like this, I get rather wistful. I wish I’m still living by the seaside where I could take pleasure in the simplest thing like sitting on the soft, sandy beach while watching the sunset as the gentle breeze caresses me and my worries and the burden of the world… would slowly melt away from my tiny shoulder.

At times like this, I wish for a Clark Kent of my own. (I have the hots for Clark Kent a.k.a Superman. Bear with me.) A superhero in his own rights…an investigative reporter who reveals truth to the world with his writing and whose alter ego stood for nothing but justice.

And at times like this, I wish that my life could be as simple as it used to be. But then again, that is just wishful thinking. I could not perform any magic or time travel and therefore, my life could never be like what it used to be, and at the end of the day…before I go to sleep, whether I like it or not, I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that Superman won’t fly to me when I call for help, and Batman wouldn’t come to my aid when I put up the Batman call sign. Spiderman’s spider sense wouldn’t tingle either when my enemy is about to gut me mercilessly.

I have to be my own hero. If I want to be saved, I shall have to save myself, and and while there’s no chance of me changing changing the world, I still can make my own history by simply being me and persevering. i must do what I’m good at, and make use fully of what God gave me.

And before I close my eyes and go to sleep, I have to forgive the world for being harsh and forgive myself for all the mistakes and for all of my foolishness. Only by forgiving myself…I shall be able to live with myself and move on.

Cleffairy:  One should not blame others when they are at fault themselves.We’re just human. We’re not perfect. We make mistakes, and while we don’t forget, we ought to try to forgive and move on and try not to make the same mistakes again in the future. It’s hard and always easier said than done, but it’s what we must do. It’s the only way we learn to be a better version of ourselves, is it not?

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Food/Travel, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Those good old days are gone…

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Those good old days where you can buy lotsa things with Rm1 (Around USD0.35) is gone. These days, Rm1 is not much of a value anymore. But thank God, every now and then I manage to find something nice for just RM1; like this nasi lemak for an example. (Nasi lemak is a local Malaysian dish, consisting of fragrant coconut milk rice served with condiments of fried peanuts, fried anchovies as well as sliced cucumbers)

These… these are a gem, very authentic and it’s very hard to find these sort of nasi lemak in Malaysia these days. These nasi lemak are fully wrapped up with banana leaves. These days, we only have the modern version of it; all wrapped up in plastic+newspaper or in white polystyrene, and it’s no longer simple. The modern ones are usually served with lotsa things; fried chicken, fried eggs, etc and usually cost at least Rm5 (USD1.5) per pack.

For Rm1, I get these…. 1 cup of very fragrant nasi lemak with served with a side of fried peanuts, fried anchovies, a quarter of boiled egg and topped with some spicy hot sambal.

I couldn’t resist adding my own omelet to the RM1 nasi lemak. The taste? Heavenly.

But by the time I finished eating the nasi lemak… I wondered why I couldn’t resist adding my own omelet to it. Is it because I’ve grown fussy? Or it it because like the rest of the world, I’ve become complicated and I failed in the most important thing in one’s life; which is to appreciate and enjoy life at the most basic and stop trying to be complicated?

*SIGH* I suppose the world suit me now. It’s complicated, and so am I.

Cleffairy: Those good old days are gone, and they are never coming back.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts

Maybe it will be fun…

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Maybe, it will be fun to see the world from a different angle. You see, ever since 2010 ended, I’ve been doing awful lot of thinking and loads of trips down the memory lane. While the year 2010 was quite a blast and was one of my happier and more fulfilling year than the ones before, it does have some… what do you call it… upsetting things that I could not get out of my mind. Things I wish I could forget but most probably will remember for the rest of my life.

Things that I couldn’t really confide in others because it’s bitter to the point that I am not sure if people would understand unless they were placed in the same position I was. Oh, well, I’m certain that some would understand, after all… I don’t doubt that there were many other women who were placed in the same position I was, by choice or by sheer, damnable circumstances.

There are things I wonder…you see… I feel somewhat detached… you know… crazy author kinda thingie. I just finished my 2010 novel, and I feel ridiculously empty and overwhelmed…VERY OVERWHELMED… I missed my characters and stuff, I sorta feel like an empty nest syndrome here but at the same time, I feel so worn out and exhausted and therefore, I decided to take a little break from writing until 14th January 2011.I kinda thought that a little break from writing would do me good.

But I am not quite sure if it’s a good thing or not… trying to be lay back abit is kinda hard… cuz when I don’t really get myself occupied, I started to thing about things… weird things…like… how is it like to be the other woman… or having an affair…or about… second chances… you know, that sort of things.

I don’t know what’s going on with me… really, I don’t. Mid- age crisis? I am not sure… I am not even a middle ager! Perhaps the not writing thing makes my head goes looney. Or maybe, I just plainly wonder how it feels like… after all, men do it all the time, no matter from what age or era they come from. They cheat on their wife and go to their pretty mistress with perfume behind their knees all the time, and I kinda wonder… wonder how it feels like to be in such women’s position.

It must be fun huh? Doing hanky panky things behind your spouse’s back… taking phonecalls and being sending secretive smses when your other half is not watching… or rejecting phone calls and lying to your spouse’s face saying it’s a wrong number or even telling them that it’s nothing… it’s just spam. It must be fun sneaking out and leave your spouse to deal with dirty diaper of messy feeding time too.

It must be really fun… being the other woman too… you see…you can wear like a tart and get complimented by it, and you don’t have to clean up after the guy or cook for him or deal with the nasty, shrewed, mother in law.

It’s part of the package of being a girlfriend to a married man or a mistress to a married man. Being a kept woman is nice, I guess, and I suppose everyone loves to be appreciated. It’s even nicer that we get to spend men’s money and he won’t complain about it being expensive or over budget too.

I guess that is why some women goes after married man and place a ‘single, but having an affair with a married man’ label on their forehead. It’s nice. All you need to do is inspire the man to have sex with you… have fun with him… listen to him and not nag(cuz you don’t actually have to, you don’t have to give a damn since you’re not exactly living 24/7 with him)…and you don’t have to clean or actually look after him cuz it works differently when you’re a mistress or a kept woman.

*sigh* maybe it will be fun exploring such world…so I think… this year… I’m going to get out of my comfort zone abit and write about such men and women instead of the fairy-tale like stories where men are handsome and rich and impossibly faithful and loving spouse, because the truth is…there is no such things.

Things get really, really boring at some point and men started to take their wives for granted after two or three years of marriage. And things gets even more worst and mundane with the arrival of those red, wriggly things that requires a lot of house-training. Yes… reality is… marriage equals to mundane and boring after some point, and many people wonders what it’s like to have an affair. Men wonders and look for an affair most of the time… they have an affair most of the time… and I kinda wonder how it would be like to be the other woman instead of you know…the victim of an affair.

Affairs… might be messy, but they might give you some sweet feelings and stuff… so yeah… 2011 is gonna be quite an adventure for me, cuz I’m stepping out of the box and write about such women instead of the disgustingly romantic men that does not, and will never exist. Okay… this year… I’ll be writing about “Bitching 101”

Anyway… not that I’m encouraging extra-marital affairs, but my advice to single men who wants to seduce married women into an affair: Never ever say your mother is an angel… or how you adore your mother… that’s a complete turn off, trust me… such things… such respect and such admiration towards your mother, just works on single, naive women not on an already married woman. And another thing…unless you’re prepared to learn how to cook instead of eating out and clean up after yourself…don’t ever think of seducing a married woman.


Cleffairy: Having responsibility and playing house is not part of the deal when you have an affair with a married woman or married man for that matter.It’s a huge turn off and disgusting. Having an affair is all about NSA, is it not?

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A Penny For Your Thoughts

A rose by any other name?

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I keep tossing and turning in bed again though I feel so exhausted and worn out. I got bored counting the cottony sheep, and I ended up wondering about my name. My given name… my real given name is Elizabeth. And I’m called by many names.

They called me Ellie, Elizabeth and they call me Eliza, Ella, Liz, Liza, Lizzie, Izzy, Lizard and not to mention ‘Little Bird’ and ‘Ladybird’ (younger children usually call me that, cuz they can’t pronounce my name… I find it rather cute, really)… but why nobody ever calls me ‘Beth’? Gosh… all of my life, nobody ever calls me ‘Beth’ though it’s also a variation of my name. Strange… very strange…

Ah well… a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. It matters not I guess, for these days, I responded more to ‘Honey’, ‘Mummy’, ‘Auntie’, ‘Teacher’,’Clef’ and ‘Fairy’. *FAINT* My dad would probably mourn if he knows about this… all of the troubles he went through and gave me a Queen’s name… but in the end… there’s hardly anybody around who calls me that.

Cleffairy: Elizabeth…Ellie, Ella, Eliza, Lizzie, Izzy…. and Beth?

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A Penny For Your Thoughts

Have you ever?

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Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could have sworn that you’d do anything to get it and you’d go on hoping and hoping that one day that your heart’s desire will be finally yours?

Have you ever hoped so much to the point that one day, you give up hoping for the thing that you wanted and no longer wanted it when it finally comes?

Well, I have given up hope on certain things that I wanted, for I felt that it would be hopeless to continue hoping for what my heart truly desire, especially when it depends on somebody else to make it come true.

I gave up hoping so that I can spare myself the hurt and the disappointment that comes with hoping and waiting, wasting my youth. It is better this way. And if it’s really fated that whatever I wanted one day is presented before my very eyes… perhaps then I would be able to turn my face away and say…  “I no longer want this. I stopped wanting. I gave up. This doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I am better without this.”


Cleffairy: Tired of waiting. Tired of wanting. Perhaps loosing hope is not so bad after all. It spares me the disappointment of a fool who had waited too long for the impossible. The day I stopped hoping for the impossible is the very day I’m liberated.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Current Issue, writing

Deep down…deeper down…

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I find it rather alarming and disturbing that we still have racial issue and tension could be stoked easily among major races in Malaysia. Why can’t we accept each and everyone of us as we are? Why must we hate each other and hurt each other?

I think…such things happened because we couldn’t… or rather,  refuse to learn and understand each other’s religion and culture. And therefore, we could not accept one another as we are when deep down, we’re just the same. We’re human of the same species, with different religious views and cultural practices.

Just look at the video above… one Negro… and one Indian man… singing the same song. One may not understand what the other is singing… but one could try to love it and see that the melody that the other man is singing is as beautiful as the song in his own language.

Here’s some food for your thoughts, folks:

What matters to God is our love for Him and our love for each other. Wealth, power and status count for nothing in the kingdom of God. When we truly love our neighbors, we do our part to make the world a better place, and we find our own fulfillment in life.

Have a happy, productive, and fulfilling Monday, folks. Let not the Monday blues gets to you, for there are many others who would do anything for just another day.

Cleffairy: Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5)

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Cleffy's Pillow Talk, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Yours sincerely, Cleffairy…

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Dear all,

This won’t be a lengthy entry, just a little musing on how words means to me…they are normal, every day words, and I think everyone use it everyday in their lives.

Thank you- This makes me feel appreciated, only if you mean it.

I’m sorry- Doesn’t make much difference, because sorry have no cure.

Good morning- Makes me think that you are glad for me to be alive, to be able to wake up and face the day again, to breathe the same air as yours for another day.

Good night- Soothes me, for my day might not be a good day.

Sweet dreams- Makes me feel like a child I longed to be once again, for only little girls and little boys truly have sweet and innocent dreams.

Goodbye- Will not last forever if you keep me in your heart and thoughts.

I love you- Is not the word I say easily, or accept easily, because I want you to truly, maddeningly mean it when you say it to me.

I want you- The bloody word that made me fall in love. Fall hard.

How are you?- Makes me feel that you care for me.

I could go all night long, listing what little, common words means to me, but at the end of the day, when people says those words to me, I want them to mean it, not just because it’s a polite gesture. I wonder… how many of you truly meant what you said? Did you say it because of habit? Because it is what expected of you? Or did you truly mean it?

Yours sincerely,

Cleffairy.

P.S. Words means nothing when you don’t mean it.

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