A Penny For Your Thoughts, writing

Just write, lazy bum bums!

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She said every single little thing that I wanted to say. JUST WRITE, EDIT LATER! And don’t procrastinate! Here’s a little visual pep-talk to you folks out there… who always dream of writing a novel one day, but too scared to face the empty pages.

And here’s a song to let you know that you are not alone in this writing dilemma.

Cleffairy: 25,000 to go… I can do it, I can do it! Til then, folks, this is your Elsewhere in Asia ML signing off to write. Ping me if you need a write in or a little boost. 😀

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Could it be worst?

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Those who are in my circle would know by now that I’m currently working on another novel, with the working title ‘Jar of Love’, and the novel in progress is one  the culprit to my lack of sleep as well as lack of intelligent content in my blog.

To give myself a bit more time to work on my novel, I’ve been taking a break from blogging, and instead of writing the way I used to, I’ve been merely dumping my recipes and whatnots into my blog.

And though I feel guilty for doing it, as it’s not my style at all, I have no other choice, because living in my world, 24 hours is not enough for me to use, no matter how organized I am, and no matter how I scheduled up things for myself to follow.

Rest is not quite in my dictionary. In fact, it is rather…unachievable. Let’s just say I’m not blessed enough with a peaceful and a quiet home, and there’s constant noise that made sleep almost impossible. But then, maybe God knows best. You’d find that it’s amazing that you can actually do many things when you don’t really sleep.

Time is a legal robber. It takes many things away from us legally. It robs us of our youth, our beauty, and if we’re not careful, it could take away many more things away from us, including our life. Realizing that, I try to live my life as if there’s no tomorrow.

In my world… there is a possibility that there’s no tomorrow. Because I’ve always believed that death could come to my doorstep anytime. Some people may accuse me of being pessimistic and negative, but I speak the truth.

It’s logical, you see. I may not die because of an illness or any sort of long term suffering. But I could have been rammed by a lorry the next day and I might not be warned of it, or maybe, I suddenly got sick and depressed of life so much and decided to end it by committing suicide and therefore, I work and play like mad today before any of those happen to me tomorrow.

My future is not set in stones. It’s full of uncertainties and it’s unpredictable. My dad once asked me to imagine what, and how I will be like in 10 more years time, and sadly, I could not imagine it anymore and he had duly noted something about me that displeased him the last time I met him a couple of months ago.

He told me that I stopped trying to achieve and feeling good about myself, because the people around me constantly tells me that I’m not good enough, or I’m not up to par to their standards. He told me to stop downgrading myself that way; by listening to those people and he told me to stop trying to please them and for what it’s worth, he would support me, no matter what, for I am his daughter, and always will be.

The fact will always remain that though I’ve left home and hardly see him anymore, he’s just one phone call away whenever I need him. It’s just sad that I have to be reminded of that, no? I’m just so glad that he did told me that and made me see that even though the whole world ever decide to ditch me, he will still be there for me. With those words, my dad gave me a reason to start living for myself again.

What my dad says makes sense, and always have made sense, and thank God I can write. Writing is a part of my work and my life. Writing is a way for me to leave a legacy behind and it makes me feel good about myself. You see, when human finally die, they either leave a name behind and be remembered throughout the history or they’re slowly forgotten as time goes by.

My biggest dream is that I don’t want to be forgotten. It wouldn’t be unacceptable for me that when I die, people would refer me by using the past tense. I want people to speak about my by using the present tense. I want to be a part of the history. I would prefer people to refer me as “She is, and will always be the greatest, and as long as people can read, she would be immortalized.” instead of “She was the greatest”. When I finally expire, I want to leave a legacy behind…at least among people who could read.

When we grow up, we tend to loose direction and ambition because we’re driven by the harsh reality. We forget our dreams, and we no longer have the determination of a child. We live, just to survive, and no longer to achieve what we have set to achieve. We have jobs, instead of a career, and the world is a harder place to be in. I don’t think I want that, and be just an average Jane.

Sometimes, I do wonder, what the hell is stopping me from making the breakthrough? What is stopping me? That, ladies and gentleman a question that I wish I have an answer for myself.


Cleffairy: It is not Death that I fear. It’s living without a reason that I fear. Thank you dad, for giving me wisdom and courage when I needed it. Thank you for being there for me each time I needed someone to guide me along the thorny path. Happy father’s day to you, and all fathers in the world who are always there for their children. Thank you for being there, even when we’ve forgotten that you’ll be there for us.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

When I couldn’t sleep…

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It’s been months…months since I had recurring nightmares. It faded for a while, but the peacefulness of the night sleep that I’ve been getting for a week or two did not last, and I keep getting nightmares again, and this explains why I’m awake at 3:53am Malaysian time, sitting in front of the PC, trying to forget the vivid dreams that’s been visiting me. It’s the same old dreams, and though it is not that scary anymore, it still disturbs me greatly.

It seems that the ‘Evil One’ refused to let me have peace, even when I’m asleep. I am not quite sure why I’ve been getting those horrid nightmares over and over again. It seems that ‘someone’ is trying to send me a message and is unhappy when I am at peace with myself and feeling contented.

But God is with me…I have faith that he will protect me from the ‘Evil One’. These days, when I woke up, feeling agitated because of those dreams where my loved ones betrayed me, I prayed, and prayed hard, though it did not help me to sleep, but it helped to calm me and made me see, that those horrid nightmares actually had a theme, which is ‘it’ wants me to give up what I have now instead of persevere.

Well, though the whole world might be against me, He will always be with me, and that will remain unchanged until the end of time. Am I not blessed… to be able to realize His eternal love for me when I am still young? Things could be worst, and I could have ended up like those people who decided to shut Him out of their life.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may not understand my ramblings, but it is all right. I am here not to ramble much. I am here just to share a little something… something for you to ponder on.

.

I asked God to take away my bad habits.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

.

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;it isn’t granted, it is learned.

.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

.

I finally understood, that when God says no to me each time I asked Him something, it is not because He doesn’t care for me, but it is because he is smarter, and definitely knows better. After all, I am just human, and God works in mysterious ways.

I have learned how to be more at peace with myself, and my journey is still very long. While some pray for my safety and happiness, there are some others who wants me out of the picture, and tries very hard to ruin my happiness. I am completely aware of that, and I want to say here that I know about all of your evil intentions, for you couldn’t be more obvious. It doesn’t matter what you do, I no longer fear you, for God is with me, and I’ll have you know that I have a hurricane in me that will destroy you if you dare to harm what I’ve fought so hard to protect.

One could work with the demons and sell their soul to the devil just because they want others to suffer, but by the end of the day, God will give me justice, and he shall protect me, in his own ways.


Cleffairy: God is my strength, my eternal guiding light. He stands with in the sunshine, and calms me through the stormy nights.

The Lord is my strength,
My eternal guiding light.
He stands with me in the sunshine,
Calms me through the stormy nights.
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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Current Issue, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Elizabeth III

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I was named after the Queen of England. My name is Elizabeth. The Spanish called me Isabel while the French knows me as Isabelle. People who are closed to me called me Liz or Lizzie, because they can’t be bothered calling me by my whole blessed name.

Some people are just goddamn blessed that they are born in the world where democracy is practiced, and I’m not the heir to any throne, or Elizabeth I of England herself, for I might have ruled with my iron fists, and send heads rolling.

You read it right. I would have sent heads rolling, and I probably wouldn’t feel a thing about it. Cruel, yes. I am cruel. I can be extremely cruel when I want to be. And I would have made sure people remembers me for that so that they know they shouldn’t mess with me in the first place.

People are just so lucky that they are not my subjects, as while I’m very easy to please and I take delights in little pleasures the world have to offer me, I am also a very bad tempered and unforgiving woman.

I don’t forgive easily. I may have grown up like a little princess where I was taught of horseback riding, archery, chess, literature, philosophies, history, mythology and politics as early as five years old (yes, my father seen to it that I grew up like a princess, knowing what a princess should know- the only thing that I lack would probably be music and fencing), but the world had seen to it that I don’t grow up to be a weak fairy tale princess who had herself under illusion that the world is made of cotton candy, soft and sweet.

My father used to tell me that I was rather sharp-minded when I bothered to be as a child. And he was right at some point, as I don’t need to be Henry VIII’s daughter to realize that the world is a place that’s full of people who can’t wait to betray each other for their own benefit. I grew up to be rather aware of my surroundings, and I don’t trust people or respect people easily, even as a child.

And so, when I say I trust you and respect you, then you’re one of the lucky few, and you better not do anything to destroy my trust, for once it’s broken, I shall never give it back, and I’d do anything in my power to make you regret that you’ve ever been born. Yes, consider this as a warning.

Some people… they are just damn lucky that I am not a monarch, as I am quite a territorial being. I loathe it when people do as they pleased in my home, and I absolutely resent people who touched my things without permission and enter my domains to do as they please without considering my feelings on that matter. That is absolute disrespect and insult to me. Oh yes, some people are just lucky, for if I am Elizabeth I and those people are my subject, I’d have them hanged and quartered for even dare to think of touching what belongs to me. They are blessed, and lucky indeed that I am not a Queen who rule over them.

Some people are just goddamn lucky, but the world is not blessed enough to have me as a Queen, as I would have done whatever it is in power to protect my country and put it’s interest before me and I wouldn’t punish people for their faith, but punish them for their deeds and wrongdoings instead. It’s a trait many rulers and government lack, don’t you think?

Quote from Cleffairy’s latest novel: Give me not  the quill and ink, for I shall sign your death warrant.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts

The empty pages…

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I fear a lot of things, but I am definitely not afraid to admit that I’m afraid of a lot of thing, for I know, I am only human, and it is human nature to be fearful of things. By fearing things and be afraid of things that is beyond us, we become more aware of our environment. It’s  nature’s gift to us human to protect ourselves against harm.

As I said, I fear a lot of things. One of them is empty pages. Empty pages scares me. It makes me feel empty and uninspired. It made me feel dead inside and unmotivated. Empty pages, to me, is just like loneliness and sorrow. The feelings they gave me are dreadful and almost unbearable.

After 63 days, 509 pages and 233007 words… my latest novel manuscript is finally completed, and once again, I found myself staring at the empty, clean piece of office document once again. Being able to complete this manuscript is a big achievement for me, because if I’m honest to myself, I know not many is capable of writing 509 pages in just 63 days consecutively.

I am supposed to feel grateful and relieved as I’ve persevered til the end. But instead of feeling that way, my latest manuscript made me feel empty, very, very empty, and suddenly, I feel as if I had too much time to spend. There’s a void in my heart. I feel like I am attending my character’s funeral, and I am supposed to say goodbye to them. I have to say goodbye to their quirks, their adventures, misadventures, and angst as well as their passion. I am no longer in control of what they say or do, and this is just sad for me.

I hate it when my novels comes to an end… because that will mean my horrendous editing nightmares will begin. Not to mention that I’ll have to face the empty pages once again.

Yes… empty pages scares me. It’s one of those things that I’m scared of, among many other things. It’s a weird thing to be scared off, isn’t it? But I am just human. I fear many things. I wonder, what are you scared of? Or you’re scared of nothing?

Cleffairy: Going to overcome my fear for empty pages by starting a new adventure with new characters in a new novel. That’s the only way I won’t feel dead and empty, isn’t it? Yes, I will overcome the fear of feeling empty, by being brave and start writing a line or two to fill the void on the empty pages.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

My Favourite Mistake…

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‘My Favourite Mistake’ is actually the title of one of my old novel that I wrote on a whim, dating back in 1999. I was rather prolific back then. I had the stamina to write so much that I produce 33 novels by year 2002. I would kill for such stamina now.

As per instructed by my damn letters to myself today, I am supposed to read my old junks and do something about them, but somehow, I found that what I wrote needed a total revamp, cuz it would sounded looney in this age and era.

I wanted to edit some of my old, neglected and forgotten works today, but it seems that my inner editor is not back from her Caribbean vacation yet, so I have to wait til she comes back before I do anything drastic to my novels.

I am not sure if I’d like to share ‘My Favourite Mistake’ with all of you over here, but I surely want to share the moral that I try to deliver in that novel, which is, never, ever be afraid to make mistakes. You see, we are just human. We’re not angels or Saints…we’re far from it.

And therefore, we should not be afraid to make mistakes, and should not allow people tell you what a failure you are when you make big mistakes in your life. You’ll never know if the mistakes you made will turn out to be something good, and is actually a blessing in disguise.

Do you know why we actually make mistakes in our lives? You see, we makes mistakes so that we can grow up, toughen up and wise up. We are not stupid if we make mistakes. We’re only stupid when we make the same mistake twice and did not learn from it at all.

I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some of the mistakes changed my life drastically. I came to regret and resent some of those mistakes that I made. Sometimes, when I sit down and allow my thoughts wander, I wonder why I was so foolish that I allowed myself to make mistakes? I feel angry at myself for being ignorant and stubborn.

But looking back, I am glad that I made some of those mistakes, because for what it’s worth, I became a better and a more responsible woman as I deal with my mistakes maturely rather than cowering away from it.

People often condemn me and judge me for my mistakes and my decisions. And naturally, I would feel upset when they tell me to my face about it. But I know that people don’t get smart overnight. At least, I don’t. I make mistakes, corrected them and learn from them. I am not a failure, but people who thinks that one should refrain from making mistakes are the biggest loser.

Why do I say this? Well… those people who are afraid to make mistake will refrain themselves from living their life to the fullest as they have fear for falling down. They are the kind of people who would never be strong and attempt to get up when they fall down while people who makes mistake often will know that their failure is just temporary and will nonchalantly bounce back and be in a better shape soon after. People who tackle life as it is without having fear of making mistakes are brave and adventurous, and they should be respected instead of being looked down upon.

I made countless mistakes in my life and it made me a better person in whole. I would have been nothing without those mistakes that I made. I won’t be the woman I am today without those mistakes, and honestly, I am glad that I was brave enough to allow myself to make such mistakes. Even if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t change anything for the world, for I am happy with the outcome, regardless of what people say.

I have my few favourite mistakes that I can proudly tell people. Do you have any?

Quote from ‘My Favourite Mistake’ written by Cleffairy: Life is not a spelling or a grammar test. Don’t be afraid to make mistake. I made a mistake, and I found you. You are my favourite mistake.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

It's been a very educational year…

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It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.

2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.

JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.

FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.

MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.

APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.

MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.

JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.

JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.

AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.

SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.

OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.

NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.

November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.

DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.

I learned that God  actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.

I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.

He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn and Cheeyee to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.

God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)

Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t  ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.

ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

It’s been a very educational year…

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It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.

2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.

JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.

FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.

MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.

APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.

MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.

JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.

JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.

AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.

SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.

OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.

NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.

November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.

DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.

I learned that God  actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.

I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.

He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn and Cheeyee to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.

God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)

Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t  ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.

ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!

Continue Reading

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

It’s been a very educational year…

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It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.

2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.

JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.

FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.

MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.

APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.

MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.

JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.

JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.

AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.

SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.

OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.

NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.

November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.

DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.

I learned that God  actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.

I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.

He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn and Cheeyee to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.

God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)

Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t  ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.

ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!

Continue Reading

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

It’s been a very educational year…

No Comments

It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.

2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.

JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.

FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.

MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.

APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.

MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.

JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.

JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.

AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.

SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.

OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.

NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.

November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.

DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.

I learned that God  actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.

I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.

He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn and Cheeyee to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.

God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)

Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t  ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.

ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!

Continue Reading