I used to think that a woman, especially a wife, knows her man better than anyone else in the world. But I’ve come to realization that this sort of thinking is actually very shallow. We women actually do not know our men better. We are actually clueless on what’s going on in a man’s head, and a man’s bodily reaction. Just like men are clueless on what’s going on in women’s head, and her bodily reactions.

Why do I say this? Well, I stumbled upon a few ‘interesting’ male blog, that taught me a lot about men. And if I’m honest to myself, these men taught me more about men than anybody else could.

These men, rendered me speechless with their articles and opinions about men, relationships, and sexuality. These men, are good… really, really good, but I’m not sure if I should put the link of their blog here, or even add them in my blogroll, as these men, are actually homosexual. I’m not sure if they wanted to be exposed, and I better be safe than sorry.

I should respect their privacy rather than mentioning their blog link over here. Even if I did put their link in my blogroll, it would strictly be invisible to others, as unless permission is granted, I would want them to remain ‘protected’. All because I respect their privacy and would not want people who do not share the same sentiment with them to go there and condemn their ways of life.

Let me be frank here. 3 years back, when I was fighting off my depression by immersing myself in online gaming, I came to know a friend, who became homosexual, or accurately speaking, bisexual after he got married to his wife.

As time goes by, and we played together in the game more and more often, I became rather close to him, and soon, he became my godbrother and he exposed to me about himself more than before. I was aghast to to hear him confess to me that he’s actually a homosexual. I was rather… naive back then. I couldn’t understand why a man could choose to be a gay after marrying a woman. I accused him of so many things. Heartless and cruel is one of it.

Don’t get me wrong. Some of you might think that he and his wife are having a problematic marriage. That’s not a fact, though. My godbrother told me that his wife is an absolute angel, and has done him no wrong. She’s the kind of wife any man could ask for. Good in bed, excellent cook and a doting mother. He mentioned to me that his wife does not know of his sexual preference. He said, he doesn’t have what it takes to break his wife’s heart who loved him with all of her heart and soul. And when asked about his sexual relations with his wife, he told me that he just have sex with her out of responsibility. To say that I was shocked is an understatement.

He mentioned that he’s happily married with his wife and kids, and yet, there’s a void in his heart that not even his wife could fill. He had mentioned to me before that while his wife is the perfect wife who love him and care for him, she couldn’t really understand his sexual needs and his feelings. I wasn’t really sure what he meant by that, though, but he told me that sometimes, women just don’t understand men. I could only pray and hope that his wife would never find out, because I know, as no wife could take it if their husband turned gay after marrying them. It hurt our womanly ego, seriously.Having our husband turning gays after marrying us is probably as horrible as catching our husband fucking their own mother on the bed that we shared together.

Personally, I think I could comprehend it somehow if my husband finds other woman. It might mean that I am not good enough or the bitch in question is better at seducing my husband. But if my husband turns gay after marrying me, what does that make me? I don’t think I can understand that. I might even think that I am not good enough as a woman that drives him to turn gay after marriage.

Anyway, I always begged my godbrother to repent. I may not be religious, but I am rather God fearing. I always tells him not to continue his ways, as I think, God will punish him for having affair with another man.

I said many nasty things to my godbrother back then, but he was rather fond of me. He never once lashed at me for hurting his feelings by not being supportive of his sexual preference. Instead of getting mad at me for saying nasty things to him, my godbrother actually teased me that I could never understand how he feels as I am not exposed to the world of homosexuality. He told me that a woman who married her first love won’t really understand the world of gay-ism and lesbianism. (That’s me, I married my first love).

He asked me a few questions that made me completely speechless back then. These are some of his question:

“Mei, have you ever feel that your husband couldn’t understand how you feel at times and it frustrate you?”

“Mei Mei, have you ever feel frustrated that your husband  could not satisfy you sexually, and you resent the fact that sometimes, he’s just so selfish in bed? You got so fed up that he just sleeps off after getting what he wants from you, and you silently wish that someone would bother to initiate afterplay after having sex with you?”

“Mei, have you ever feel empty when your husband did not really bother to listen to you? Instead, he brushes you off, and you wish that someone could really sit and listen to your problems instead. You wish for someone who would just listen, not tell you off or even suggest you the solutions to your problems.”

I was stunned with his question. He probably knew that if I’m honest to myself, the answers to the questions would be yes. And so, he proceeds by telling me that sometimes, it’s not just because you’re sexually attracted to your own sex that it caused you to become homosexual.

Sometimes, it is the void that your spouse could not fill that cause you to have such tendency towards homosexuality. Because for what it’s worth, people of your own sex tends to understand your emotional needs better than people from the opposite sex. They too, knows about your sexual reactions better than the opposite sex, because they are same species as you. They know where to touch, where to hold, where to caress to inspire sexual satisfaction from you, as their body works the same way too. When I think about homosexuality that way, I seriously think I need to apologize to my godbrother. Who am I to judge, anyway?I’m not an angel. I should not judge people’s personal life and sexual preference.

My godbrother rather have a man in his bed rather than his wife not because he doesn’t love her, but because he felt incomplete. He said, a lot of men are like that, but not many chooses his way of life. And he told me not to be afraid about it either, as not everyone are like that. Not everyone have such tendency after getting married.

I find his assurance is true, as I know of a girl who is a lesbian and has been living with with her lesbian partner for almost 6 years now. She was never married before. I could have accuse her for being that way as she was hurt badly by men and got sick of men that it made her a lesbian, but that was not it either. She told me that she just like woman, and men doesn’t held any appeal to her.

Truth be told, sometimes, I find men who are homosexual very attractive. They not only understand men better, but they understand women better too!

Bottomline is, I may not understand why some people choose to be homosexual, because I’m straight, but I guess, when it comes to love, it does not discriminate on your race, your age or even your gender. Who can explain love, anyway? I know I can’t explain love. I am still learning how to really love and understand the mystery of it. But if you can explain to me about homosexuality and love, I would really appreciate it. I would like to understand. It’s all right if you want to protect your identity by leaving anonymous comment. Just help me understand. I want to understand.

Cleffairy: Make love, and not war, let’s have more peace on Earth.