Initially…I wanted to write about this a couple of days ago. But I couldn’t put things into words, and I’m not quite sure if it was a correct timing too.

Before I digress further… I have to say that as an author…I am quite complicated. Well, at least in some ways. Some may say that I am like an open book, readable and easy to comprehend. While some…may say I’m like an alien. They would have to dissect my head open to understand my thinking and my behaviour.

There are people whom I let them into my life…while there are some others… I prayed for them from afar, because I am afraid to get to know them for the fear that when I get close to them, they will leave me and I will be hurt when they are gone. I wonder if this is the correct thing to do. But I am a mere mortal. I’m afraid, for pain and sorrow, especially when things are inevitable.

Now…today…my conscience have been practically slicing my heart, and I am forced to put this into words.

Some of you may know… and some of you may be left in the dark…about the recent passing of Lisaone. I have been following her blog, and many other cancer patients like Ellie Shoal Potvin’s religiously, quietly, privately since early of this year.

I tried to correspondewith the said lady (Lisa) via email… I believe, a tad too late. Somewhere in April or was it May? I had no response from her. Perhaps… she was already very ill at that time.

The subject of cancer is very close to home to me. You see… I grew up a sickly child. I was even thrown into a comatose for a couple of days when I was 13 because of a lung illness after an open chest operation, and it was a miracle that I survived.

People were more prepared for my funeral rather than see me wake up. A team of doctors were amazed that I woke up, and everyone were singing praises to the good Lord.

My life back then…hang in balance, just like those children in the children ward, whom I made acquaintance with. As a child, I was forced to see those who slept near my bed die one by one. I lost them… from cardiopulmonary diseases to chronic lymphocytic leukemia…to melanoma… you name it.

I even had to hear the sound of nurses and doctors making effort to resuscitate those who are on the verge of death sometimes, and there’s even once, I saw a girl of 5 years old being ‘put to sleep’ forever because her parents chose to turn off the life support from her instead of holding on to hope and let her suffer further.

And it wasn’t easy, and when I grew up, I dare not make acquaintance with anyone who are fighting off terminal diseases. Because I knew the inevitable, and I don’t want to be the crying little girl who see deaths before she sleep again.

I fear for them and their family. I know it is not right, but I am still afraid…especially when I read their medical reports. In Lisaone’s case…while it made no sense to many readers… her medical reports on her markers… Iressa effects… her detox retreats makes perfect sense to me, because I grew up with friends who had to go through with the things that she did, and they never failed to leave me. 🙁

Afraid as I am to let people who have cancer too close to me, it did not stop me to immortalize the cancer patience bravery and courage to fight against their illness through my writing, and since early of this year… January, I believed… I have been frequenting Lisaone’s blog as a reference for one of my ongoing book for one of my characters (Isabelle Hart; 18 year old with an un-operatable brain tumour).

Lisaone is a remarkable woman with the courage that I have none. She inspired me, and therefore, earlier of this year… I had begun writing a novel about a girl who had cancer…with attitude somewhat like Lisa’s. I had asked for permission from her somewhere in late April via email, but I get no response from her. She was unreachable and un-contactable.

She stopped updating her blog as well then around that time, and so… now… if anyone knows how I can get in touch with her next kin, or the next kin themselves, please contact me at cleffairy@gmail.com, so that I can contact her next kin and pay a small tribute instead of just passing a heartfelt condolence over here in my blog.

And when the book is finally published somewhere around next year, each book that had been sold… some amount of the profit would be donated to their cancer foundation of their choice…. for the good of the rest who are fighting for the same battle like the late Lisaone.

Cleffairy: Many may not know this, but the day someone really had cancer… is the very day they went for radio or chemotherapy. And many succumbs to not cancer itself, but to chemical poisoning and the toxic build up in their body that overwhelms the entire system. So many succumbs to it… that I always wonder… what is more worst? Cancer? Or the therapy that weakens the immune system to kill the bad cells?

ps: Some may say that I am an opportunist… to be writing about the plight of people with terminal disease…but am I? It is wrong to inspire people with the same kind of illness to not give up and have faith? And is it wrong to wanting to immortalize them? And is it wrong to wanting to give back, not to their family, but those who really needs the money for their treatments?