A Penny For Your Thoughts, Beauty/Healthcare, Down The Memory Lane, Food/Travel, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

I’m lovin it!

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I have a bit of a fetish for colours and artful design, and I’m not ashamed to admit that, and so, when I saw that they are giving free henna drawing during my recent fam trip with my boys to Petrosains, Sultan of Science exhibition, I couldn’t help myself and had to have the henna art drawn on my hand.

Just take a look at the intricate design. I may not be into manicure and pedicure, but boy, I just love henna on my hands. Isn’t it lovely? I think it’s really beautifully drawn. 😀

Cleffairy: I’m lovin it!

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Three Deaths in The Family

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These days, whenever my personal number rings, and whenever I see the caller ID is either my mother or my father, my heart will beat like nobody’s business. Those phone calls from my parents scares me. I don’t always feel like this, but lately, there’s been too many deaths in the family.

First, a week ago, I was informed that my grand uncle has passed away unexpectedly. The man was rather fond of me when I was a little girl, and being the granddaughter of his elder brother, I was spoiled rotten. I wish I could have went back to my hometown and pay my last respect to him before he was laid to rest, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I did not manage to make that trip back. I did not want to talk about this. I try not to think about it, but at times, I do feel really bad about not being able to pay my last respect to him. He has given me so much wonderful childhood memories that I will never forget; he’s one of the first to hold my hand and walk me around the park, and he’s one of those people in my lives who had given me piggy back rides and had carried me whenever I was too tired to walk, and yet, I could not even make that trip back to walk with him during his last journey.

I feel terrible, and terrible still when I received another phone call from my mother a few days after, telling me that my grand aunt has passed away while she was sleeping. Another pang of sadness hit me. She was my late grandmother’s sister in law, another person who was really, really fond of me, and would have never forgotten to send me birthday presents and souvenirs whenever she goes traveling through my grandmother until I was 16 years old. Despite the fact that this grand aunt was living in Kuala Lumpur, I did not manage to pay her the last respect that she deserved either. I found out about her death way too late, and by the time I was informed, the funeral was already over.

I was still mourning for both my late grand uncle and grand aunt, and then I received another phone call from my mother again yesterday morning, informing me that there is another death in the family, and this time around, it’s one of my aunt. She passed away after suffering from cancer for quite some years. She’s also another one of those people who loved me so, so much and was really fond of me as a child. She’s one of those people who told me bedtime stories, and hugged me whenever I feel bad about getting bad grades. I did not manage to pay her any last respect either.

There was three deaths in the family within the period of two weeks. Instead of just feeling sad, I feel really numb and rather estranged too. I stopped sharing my grievance and sadness with people around me, and those who are close to me, as I don’t see any point in doing that anymore. There is nothing they can do to help me. What comfort they could offer me anyway? But there are times, I feel that things are just too much that it overwhelms me. I have no shoulder to cry on when I received such news, and keeping it all inside, is just a tad to painful to endure.

 

Cleffairy: We’re all living on borrowed time.

 

 

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

12.12.12

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12.12.12. It’s a lovely date, isn’t it? A lot of people hail this date as special. Some decided to propose to their intended while plenty  others choose to mark the date by tying a knot or giving birth.

I wish I can say that 12.12.12 is my big day where I finally marry the man that I love and celebrates it with my loved ones. But I can’t. I am not fortunate enough for that and the date held no significant to me.

My husband was busy with his work, my son have holiday class to attend while I have some pending write ups to do. 12.12.12 was just another day for us to pass. It sounds pathetic, no? I thought I sound pathetic cuz I’m all routine and mundane while everyone else is doing something special on this date.

Melancoly plagued me a little bit. It’s been awhile since I let my hair down a lil bit and so, I decided not to go back home after picking up my son from his class. Instead of going straight home after lunch, I drag my son to the nearest shopping mall to hang out with me. We window shop for hours while enjoying the Chrismassy atmosphere at the mall. It is very thereupeutic, I must say. The boy used to make a fuss back then when he window shop with me, but this time around he did not. I suppose he’s relieved to get out and chill out too?

Frankly speaking, I was quite surprised that the boy did not insist me on buying him stuff or whined for some snacks. I knew that he was quite tired and hungry, but instead of complaining like he used to do, he just tailed me around. Amazing milestone, I must say. Made me wonder what I’ve done right? Or rather, what I have done wrong as it seems to me that he’s too accomodating. He must be really bored at home to the point that he did not mind tailing me around and walk with me for hours.

Anyway, I decided that my son is a good companion and make quite a wonderful date. So I decided to treat both of us with a movie in the cinema, and dinner after it’s over.

Since my husband is working and was not home, I wasn’t really in a rush to go back to an empty home. We stayed in the mall til it’s closed and we were only ready to call it a day after supper at 11pm.

12.12.12 was nothing special to me and I had nothing pre-planned, but hell, I had so much fun with my son. I wonder if he’ll remember this when he grows up and cherish our memories together? I certainly do hope so. 😀

Cleffairy: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but it’s all about dancing in the rain and enjoying the precious moments.

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Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Friends are blessings from God

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Even when my heart is crushed over and over again mercilessly…and my world crumbles beneath me, God is merciful for he gave me friends to comfort me and cheer me up. Thank you for all the troubles you have gone through for me, Mamarazzi, Mamasprout and Littlemermy. You guys means alot to me. I will treasure what you ladies have done and gone through for me always. Thank you.

Cleffairy: Sometimes, crying over certain things is just not worth it and plain stupid. 🙁 But when one is reduced to tears because of love and friendship…now, that’s something worth every single tears. 🙂

ps: Thank you for the birthday cake, the pressies, and above all, taking the troubles to host the birthday party for me.

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Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Life is about…

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Life is not just about surviving, but about making it eventful and making good (and bad) memories as time goes by, is it not?

But what if we can no longer make good memories, and life is just meaningless because there is no longer sparks that inspire you to move on? What do you do when there is no reason to live anymore?

I’ve been thinking of this lately…what if…life is no longer meaningful…and whether or not you exists does not matter anymore because your existence makes no difference to anyone, especially to those whom you love dearly?

Hmm…it is indeed a dark thought for me to ponder upon…and at times like this, I am just glad that despite the fact that I am not religious and pious person, I’m still a God-fearing person. If I am not a God-fearing person, I would have done whatever those who have no faith would have done in a heartbeat.

Cleffairy: Have you ever thought of something like this? Something so scary and dark that it just consume all part of you?

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Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Things left unsaid

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It feels like it’s been a really, really long time since I sit down and blog. I mean, really, really blog about what I want to say straight from my heart. I know my blog has turned rather impersonal…and some people who are really close to me are starting to wonder why.

Good question. WHY? I don’t know how am I supposed to answer that question. I don’t exactly know why, but despite the fact that I have so much to tell, and so much to share, I’m not just ready to share with all of you out there. I’m a little bit afraid that I’ll get everyone worrying about me…and perhaps, worried that some people will start cursing at me for moaning and groaning about my life again.

You know, while writing is always a form of therapy for me, it’s not quite the same with everyone else out there. To most, I’m merely spreading negativities, and affecting the mood of others. To most, it’s rather attention seeking, and so, I try to be considerate and keep everything…all the things I’m not happy about inside so that it does not affect everyone who happens to stumble upon my writing, but a good friend of mine from my schooling days called me up on my uneventful birthday a week ago, to wish me a very happy birthday.

This particular guy friend, along with another GFF never missed wishing me a happy birthday every year, even though we are geographically apart….something not even my husband will bother to do. Why? Don’t ask me why. Perhaps he feels that I don’t deserve it? Or perhaps it is not important, that is why my husband don’t give a shit about it and purposely making excuse not to celebrate it with me by going out whole damn night on the eve of my birthday, not picking up phonecalls and not bothering to even return sms and bloody hell went out again that bloody Sunday noon because of ‘important work’. Whatever shit it is, I’ll have to make note return the favour next year, if there is any, that is, since he is pretty much involved with other things and prefers to live in his own world right at the moment. Crappy birthday, but I really got to thank God for the big slap, because it’s somewhat a wake up call for me. I now realized that I hold no importance in his life. It’s been that way for many years, and I was stupid enough to keep tolerating it and being understanding. And what should I do with this knowledge? It is something I prefer not to think about yet…for now, that is. I need to clear my head a bit before doing any serious thinking.

Anyway, my friend asked me if I’m all right, in which, I told him that I’m not quite sure if I am, with all the changes, and all the overwhelming things that’s going on in my life. I actually cried miserably during that phone call; I told him that I feel shut out and unappreciated, which got him all worried; because he never knew me as a depressed and unhappy person. He knew me as a happy, carefree, worry- free, and optimistic person with a ‘can do’ attitude.

And so, after I’m done sobbing, he told me that I need to start opening up again instead of shutting everyone out and suffer in silence, just because I thought people will judge me for it.

I have to admit… my friend was right. Why should I suffer in silence? Why should I care about what people think about me? I mean, my friend is right, ‘people’ are not walking in my shoes, and therefore, they do not know how it’s like to feel what I felt.

And so, from this moment on, if any of you feel that you cannot tolerate me washing my dirty bras and panties in public, kindly leave so that you can spare your innocent eyes from reading dirty and unhappy things.

Cleffairy: Someone asked me how I spent my birthday, and if I had a blast. Well, I did not had a blast. I spent it over a cup of tea in O Brien’s Midvalley…thinking…planning…scheming on doing something else on my next birthday next year. Perhaps, from now on, I should make a point to just fly back to my parents on my birthday? At least I know that they will not ditch me for anything else, and even if they did, they will at least give me a call to wish me a happy birthday. At least…they make a point to make me feel that they love me, and I am important in their lives.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

I don’t wanna go home

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Those who are really close to me or those who are in my friends list on Facebook will probably know what’s going on with me right at the moment. Plenty of expected AND unexpected things happened to me, and I have to admit that despite the fact that I was practically a nomad when I was a child and drastic changes was a norm, I struggled desperately to deal with the changes as an adult.

There is too much changes, and I find it difficult to deal with…it is too overwhelming, and I not only I feel difficult to breathe, but I feel trapped as well.

I know I seriously need a break from life before life will break me, but right now, even looking at vacation packages is not appealing…as I feel that there is no point escaping just for awhile…as when I return, I will still have to face reality and I’ll be back in a hellhole.

Cleffairy: Out of the sudden, I realized that I could never publish my novel in progress ‘Alternate Reality’.It was created and written in my image, and it reveals too much of my deepest, darkest desire to escape the reality that I’m living in.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Grief

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How many of you would agree with me that at some point in your life, you’ll go through a difficult phase where the situation breaks you inside out and you had no choice but to face it all alone despite the fact that you’re well loved by many?

I don’t know how many of you will agree with me on that statement, but frankly speaking, I do feel that at some point in your life, you have no choice but to suffer in silence and grieve alone.

You feel that there is no point in opening up to those you’re close to anymore because they will never be able to comprehend what you’re going through unless they are placed in the same predicament themselves.

Yes…sometimes, shutting people out of our life, and our hearts is the easiest way to deal with grief as nobody will be able to judge you or condemn you for what you are feeling.

Cleffairy: Misery loves company, but that’s a tragically unrequited love story.

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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Down The Memory Lane, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

They made me feel that I’m worth something

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I have three children. One with two legs, while another two comes with fur and have four legs. The one with two legs is a special need child, and never really made me feel as if I’ve accomplished anything at all as a mother, due to the fact that his milestone is not exactly the same as other children his age, and I’ve always felt as if I have nothing to feel proud about.

I can’t say he’s achieved much things, and I can’t exactly shout out on how advanced he is and bla bla bla while other mothers can do exactly just that when they meet up with each other. In other words, I’ve long accepted the fact that I’ll be condemned to feel self-conscious when it comes to the boy and will be damned to sit aside and watch other children progress steadily as they grow whenever I meet up with friends who have children. (And not to mention that plenty of people are gonna scrutinize me for being a bad mother, etc for my son’s lack of progress, but I’m not gonna bother about those people anymore, cuz they are the uneducated ones. They are the one who never bothered to understand about special needs children, and I shouldn’t lower myself and listen to any of their judgmental and foolish opinions. I owe them nothing, anyway)

But God has his way of comforting me, I suppose. My two-legged child may make me feel so small and insignificant all the time, but my four-legged children made me feel as if I’m worth something, and they made me feel that if I’m given the chance to have a normal child with average ability to make reasonable progress for his or her age, I would have at least achieved something.

Do you know why I said that? Well, I think some of you may have realized that I’ve recently adopted another kitty. I thought I’d make a lousy ‘mother’ to two cats at home,considering the fact that there’s a lot things needs to be done so that my first cat will not harm the little one and make friends with the younger one. I was really anxious, and I was kinda overprotective towards the younger kitty.

But in the end, I managed not only to make them bond, but managed to discipline them and make them follow certain routine too, and I feel really good about it. Their learning progress is excellent too, and they learn tricks pretty fast. On top of that, they never failed to understand what I try to communicate to them.

My four-legged children made me feel a tad wistful at times whenever I see them interact and enjoy playing and eating with each other. They made me feel that… perhaps…one day, if I ever have the chance to be a mother to two or three human children, they could be exactly like that-makes me feel proud, and worth something.

Above is the video of my furkids during the first 3 days knowing each other. The elder one used to avoid playing with the younger one, and would hiss at the younger one whenever the younger one goes near, but now, after one week being introduced to each other (after plenty of nagging and coaxing on my part, of course), they are almost inseparable. They do a lot of things together; play together, eat together and even watch tv together. 😀

Cleffairy: Maybe God does not want me to have anymore children as I probably make a better mother for furkids instead of human kids. Maybe tonight, I’m gonna pray to God to give me a zoo instead of a baby daughter of my own!

 

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