Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot – Page 16

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Xmas pressie

December 20, 2009 26 Comments

It’s 5:17 am in Malaysia and Uncle Lee’s entry just made my day, and I can’t seems to wipe the smiles from my face. He had positively made me grin like a Cheshire cat. Why? He sent gifts… to me, and to the rest of his readers and friends.Though I don’t know what I have done to deserve such a sweet thought. I’ve been guilty of being a silent reader all these while. His entries tend to render me speechless!

He ‘gave’ me this for Xmas and called me beautiful.

And so, I’d like to give him this for his sweet thoughts.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, Uncle Lee. Thank you for remembering me, and making me feel loved.

Cleffairy: Truthfully, I am quite easy to pleased… words and kind thoughts can actually make me fly to the moon, and dance among the stars.

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Letters to my future self…

December 18, 2009 27 Comments

Year 2009 is coming to an end, and we’ll be welcoming the new year soon. This year is by far the most eventful yet HORRIBLE year I had to endure. Apart from making many mistakes that I have come to regret, which is letting assholes and bitches into my life, I was also put through a near death experience.

Yes, folks, I nearly died this year. I can still remember the date. It was 18 July 2009 when I barely escaped from a burning house. I come to realized that Death can come knocking on anyone’s door. Apparently, Death does not discriminate. It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, sick or healthy…if it’s your time to go, then by all means, you WILL go. Let’s just say I am lucky to be able to cheat Death this time.

I had very little comfort this year, and I saw the ugly side of God’s creature known as human. A series of unfortunate events seems to unfold before my very eyes. One after another, and I’m forced to deal with it. No one in my blasted life was actually there for me physically. No hugs, or kisses or even words to tell me that everything will be all right. Of course Eugene, Cheeyee, Jen, and Claire knew what happened to me, but it’s not the same, because though I appreciate their kind words and motivation, it’s not the same with having physical comforts.

I also feel sick of being taken for granted. Thinking back… I feel sick to the stomach when I flashback to those important dates of my life… like anniversaries, V-day, birthday, certain festivals. I am expected to make people happy during those dates that meant a lot to me. It seems that no one even care about what I feel anymore.(my parents are an exception though) Everything is just about them now. I feel so sick of it that I could puke thinking about it right now. Goddamn it! They can’t seems to get out of my hair! I couldn’t even go on vacation in peace because of them.

Being a hopeless romantic, I am tired of people not wishing me Happy Valentines Day and Happy Anniversaries . I loathe it when people did not ask me how I want to celebrate my birthdays or even the birthday of my family members. I feel like showing my middle finger when I flashback to the time where I spent my very own birthday, sleeping on the goddamn bed, fighting off fatigue because I could no longer move about as I had to endure and tolerate ‘certain matters’ the day before and on the exact day of my birthday. And no, it was not sex. I wish it was sex, though. I wished I celebrated being 25 years old this year the way I wanted it to be, instead of dozing off.

Turning 25 on 2nd September 2009 was supposed to be important to ME. Not other people…It is important to me to celebrate being alive, being able to survive the fire. Not… other people.

I really resent it because besides my father, my mother, my sister and Pauline (my high school bestie) no one else in my ‘offline’ life bothers about it. There are no presents whatsoever (well, what’s new in that, anyway. Every year I didn’t get any presents, anyway). Not even a ‘Happy Birthday’. Because it seems that other things… other people are more important than me.

Though I am touched that my FIL bought me a cake on 31st August 2009 during a dinner that I hosted at home, I can’t say it helped much to ease the sorrow that I felt a few days later. I know I am nothing special. But then, not even the courtesy to let that day be mine? That’s a little bit too much for me.

People might have thought I had a blast turning 25 years old. But no one actually knew that I called up my father in the toilet and cried silently as he spoke to me the day before my birthday. I needed to hear his voice so much, because I knew what will happen the next day. Which is nothing. He wondered why I sounded so strange. He asked me what was bothering me, but I could not tell, because it will break his heart if he knew his daughter was not happy, and what had caused her to feel so tired. I lied to him. I told him I had a flu. We chatted away as I silently sob in the goddamn toilet, trying so hard to smile and laugh at my dad’s lame jokes.

For the first time ever since I left home back in 2002, I wish I could just celebrate my birthday with my parents. Even if there’s no presents, they would hug me and kiss me and wish me Happy Birthday. It would have been enough. Yes. A simple greeting would have been enough. It would make me feel happy. And it would have definitely make me feel appreciated. Some people would say action speaks louder than words. But sometimes, words speaks louder than action… well…words definitely speaks louder than action when there’s no action taken to make things better in the first place.

I am so tired of ‘being a good girl’ who pleased others. I want it to be all about me next year. Yes. No more Ms. Nice Girl. I want to be a bitch next year. There’s no need to care for others anymore. Why bother when they don’t appreciate what I do? Why bother when you’re nice to them, they treated you like the lowest scum on Earth? And why bother when all they know is just find faults in you? I’ll never be good enough because in their eyes, I’m just a slut who only knows how to waste money anyway? Ohh, yes, whore. I’ve heard what you’ve been saying about me. If I had it my way, I would have probably sued you for defamation. (Don’t get me started, bitches and whores out there. For what it’s worth…all of these while…during my blasted 25 years of my life, I don’t owe anyone money. PEOPLE owe ME money instead. I don’t owe anyone. Except for my father and mother.)

Anyway… as I’ve said. I wanted next year to be about me. I won’t have anyone dictate on what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do. And I won’t have people tell me on how I should run my life. And most definitely won’t let people I loathe have their ways anymore. Who the hell are you people to dictate my life? I am my own mistress, you bloody fool! I’ll be damned if I let people run my life and ruin those special dates, because I am so fucking tired of being taken for granted, and I am also bloody pissed off when I am forced to give face to people when they don’t even bother to respect me in the first place.

I am getting tired of not getting any ‘Happy New Year’, ‘Happy Valentines Day’, ‘Happy Anniversary’, ‘Happy Birthday’ and even ‘Merry Xmas’. Bloody fool, I am so sick and tired of not getting any of it!Â So sick that I haven’t been celebrating life. And since you blokes out there took me for granted and couldn’t take a clue, I am going to do something about it. I am going to make myself happy again. On those dates, and on every goddamn day.

Do you know what I am going to do? I am going to write to my future self. Why would I want to do that? Well, elemantary my dear readers. I have a premonition that next year will not be any better than this year. It’ll be pretty much the same. No fun… AGAIN. No wishes… AGAIN. No presents… AGAIN. I want those. But I can only tell myself to dream on, because there will be more bad things happen next year. And I will find that I will be consumed with self-pity, resentment and hatred again.

I’m going to write myself ‘love letters’…to wish myself. To comfort myself. To advice myself.To remind myself that I am worthy of life, and I am who I am, and no one should be allowed to take that away from me. This may sound pathetic to everyone who is reading this. But… hey… I need to remind myself that even if there’s no one else out there to make me feel happy and full of life… I still have 3 people in my life.

That’s ME, MYSELF and I. Those 3 people loved me. THEY are going to write to me and comfort me, and all I have to do is write little comforting notes. They will ‘talk’ to me about the things that I couldn’t even talk to my other half. They will cheer me up and make me do crazy things that will make myself feel good from January until December. I am going to write 365 notes to myself, and I will open it on those dates dictated on the envelop. (Damn. I only have 10 more days to write 365 notes to myself. I gotto start now!) Originally intended to send schedule emails to myself, but I wanted something physical, not virtual. Hence… it’ll be letters, not emails, or scheduled private blog entries.

That’s my cat, Meow Meow… ‘guarding’ my newly bought writing pads and envelopes.

Since I have openly told you readers that I wanted to stop feeling horrible and sorry for myself by writing notes to myself, I’ll let you know what my first letter in January would tell me. The rest will be for me to know, and for all of you not to find out. 😛

I

It’s this:

Hey there,

Happy New Year, Lizzie. It’s a brand new year, and it’s been a while since you had fun. You promised yourself that 2010 will be about you, and here I am reminding you to do what you pledged to do.If there’s no one there to celebrate New Year Year eve with you again this year, don’t you dare give a damn. Watch the firework and countdown with those crazy party goers. And when the clock stroke 12, jump like a madwoman and do that little Hula Dance you learned on the net. Sneak out of the damn house, and bring your cat for a walk. It’s a brand new year, babe. Celebrate it.

Love yourself.

First letter to myself. Safely sealed up now. Only to be opened on New Year’s eve.

Cleffairy: Hooyeahhhh…. next year will be a bad year again, as usual. Gonna be a bumpy ride. ESPECIALLY FEBRUARY. FEBRUARY WILL SUCK. (Don’t ask me questions, and I won’t bitch about it) Bitches and bastards will still be in my hair as well, nothing I can do to change that. But I can at least have some crazy fun and learn to celebrate life again. People are gonna regret it when they figured out that I don’t need them to wish me or to make me happy anymore. Yes… I will heal!

ps: Thank God there’s no flower shop near my home. Else, they would earn loads from me cuz originally, I planned to send flowers to myself!

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Prayers for a sister…

December 13, 2009 22 Comments

I received a devastating news from one of my online sisters whom I am very fond of last night. We used to have good times together in an online game called Maplestory. It’s the same game where I found my good brother, Saint Seng, whom I loved with all of my heart for his caring attitude.

This girl in question is a nice girl, though somewhat naive and gullible. Like Seng, she accompanied me throughout the nights during my darkest hours fighting my own demons and loneliness a few years back.

Sad to say, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve had a conversation with her, or even seen her.The last time I’ve seen her in person was two years ago, on 21st December where we had our guild Xmas reunion, and it’s been a while since I’ve chatted with her online too for all of us have been so caught up with our real life and work that we hardly communicate with each other anymore. I wish I could see her more often, but it’s not possible as she’s not living in the same country as me. The ocean kept us apart.

It is by sheer luck that I managed to catch her online on her MSN tonight. I’ve chatted with her for awhile, and asked the usual. I asked how she was doing, and if she’s doing fine. But much to my horror, she said she’s not okay, and she attempted suicide a couple of days ago. Naturally, I was upset with her, and asked her why did she do it. And I even gave her a piece of my mind for attempting it. I scolded her for not thinking about the people whom she nearly left behind.

And so, she proceed to tell me the reason that triggered her suicide attempt. She told me that her boyfriend of 1 year whom she’s been living with, left her. I was pissed at this point. Pissed with the bastard who left my beloved sister, and pissed with my little sister for attempting suicide, for not appreciating life.

But little did I know that she had a somewhat valid reason to attempt suicide, for wanting to end her life. It was not because she was distressed that her boyfriend of one year left her. There’s more to it. She was pregnant with his baby, and because the bastard wasn’t man enough to take responsibility for the unborn child, she made decision to put everything to an end, and terminate the pregnancy.

My blood was practically boiling when I heard the news. This time, my anger was not caused by her, by that asshole of a man whom I’ve never even met before. Well, it is a good thing that I’ve never met him before, or I’ll send someone to bash him up.

You see… I’ve always been a pro-life. I never believed in taking the easy way out by having an abortion if you get pregnant. I don’t believe in it, cuz I believe a child is a gift from heaven. But over the years… I learn not to judge people’s decisions who decided to have an abortion.

Why? Because I’ve seen suffering. Suffering of a mother who decided to be a single mother and raise her child with people around her stigmatizing and condemning her all of her life and had to live a life with no moral or financial support. Suffering of children who are born out of wedlock who never had the love of their father and punished by the society for the sins of their parents. I really couldn’t judge.

Perhaps,under certain circumstances abortion does allow someone to move on and have a better life, because sometimes, shotgun marriage does not guarantee happiness. If one is forced into a marriage and the life that he or she doesn’t like or want, the consequences would be fatal, and more people would be hurt.

My little sister decided to have an abortion, not because she doesn’t want the baby, but because she could not afford to raise the baby alone. Her family supported her decisions, because they too have their own financial difficulties.

She did went to tell the bastard’s family, but they are aloof about it, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, or the unborn child. And so, two weeks ago, she had an abortion, and now is in a miserable state, because she couldn’t let go. I am glad that her brother was there in time to save her from dying, or else, I wouldn’t be here talking about her, but mourn her death instead.

I don’t know how to console her. I wish I could be there for her the way she was there for me when I was having a rough time in my life.

I sincerely wish I could be there for her, hug her and cry with her over her loss. I wish she didn’t have to loose her baby, but it is too late. Now I can only hope she could let go and move on, for what is done cannot be undone. Hopefully, my little sister would learn not to be so naive and gullible as time pass by, for not all men have the courage to be a responsible person.

I can only pray from afar that she will be all right, because she’s really a nice girl who deserves to be happy. She’s still so young, and there’s so many things ahead of her. For the first time in so many months this year, I feel compel to pray for another. I know God is somehow pissed with me for some reason, and would probably turn deaf ear towards me again, but this time, I hope he won’t turn deaf ears or blind eyes, because I am not asking things for myself, but for someone else whom I care for dearly.

Cleffairy: People make mistakes every day. Terrible mistakes that costs the life of another innocent life. But what is done cannot be undone, and one should learn to live with the mistakes.

A note for God: God, I don’t know what is your handphone number, or your email. And I have yet to stumble upon your facebook and twitter. So I will have to make do with leaving a note for you in my blog. People say you are everywhere, so I was kinda hoping that you will read my blog. God, please take care of my little sister. Guide her and light up a path for her, so that she could move on and be happy again.

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Sometimes, it is just so easy…

December 10, 2009 15 Comments

Eugene posted something about marriage and relationship, as well as trust between couples. His entry gave me a flashback or two, and I realize that no matter how much we love someone, it is just so easy to walk away under certain circumstances. Kindly head over to his blog to read the whole article.

He asked 3 question, and here’s the edited version of my answer:

Q)Why cant a lady trust the man when she is asked to?

Because when a man asked his wife to trust him, he did not make her feel secure by providing answers to her questions. Instead, he gave her more reasons to distrust him with his fucking behaviour that continuously makes her feel insecure.

Q)Why cant the man assure the woman that there is no call for worries?

Because the man took things for granted, and his ego is too big to assure his wife. He’s arrogant enough to think that his wife will meekly wait for him to return to her every goddamn day, no matter what he did outside. He thinks she is dependent on him, and probably think that she could not go on without him. EGO is the keyword. Little did he know that the wife got pretty fed upÂ and extremely pissed with him already, and when things gets cold between them, it is just so easy for the wife to talk away. Why bother stay in a marriage with no security and affection anyway?

Q)Why can’t they reconcile when there is really nothing happened?

Because it simply hurt too much to continue on after seeing the man’s unappreciative attitude. Women just want to be assured, loved and secure. Women wants words from her man, and if he cannot appreciate her, assure her, make her feel loved and secured, why bother reconcile? If there’s no children involved, it’s better to cut the mental damage and loss by moving on.

I answered Eugene’s questions according to what I experienced firsthand. I may and not make sense to you, but that’s the answer that came from the bottom of my heart.

Cleffairy: Marriage is made in heaven. But the problem here is, we are here on Earth.

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Cleffy's Pillow Talk, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

Yours sincerely, Cleffairy…

December 8, 2009 16 Comments

Dear all,

This won’t be a lengthy entry, just a little musing on how words means to me…they are normal, every day words, and I think everyone use it everyday in their lives.

Thank you- This makes me feel appreciated, only if you mean it.

I’m sorry- Doesn’t make much difference, because sorry have no cure.

Good morning- Makes me think that you are glad for me to be alive, to be able to wake up and face the day again, to breathe the same air as yours for another day.

Good night- Soothes me, for my day might not be a good day.

Sweet dreams- Makes me feel like a child I longed to be once again, for only little girls and little boys truly have sweet and innocent dreams.

Goodbye- Will not last forever if you keep me in your heart and thoughts.

I love you- Is not the word I say easily, or accept easily, because I want you to truly, maddeningly mean it when you say it to me.

I want you- The bloody word that made me fall in love. Fall hard.

How are you?- Makes me feel that you care for me.

I could go all night long, listing what little, common words means to me, but at the end of the day, when people says those words to me, I want them to mean it, not just because it’s a polite gesture. I wonder… how many of you truly meant what you said? Did you say it because of habit? Because it is what expected of you? Or did you truly mean it?

Yours sincerely,

Cleffairy.

P.S. Words means nothing when you don’t mean it.

A Penny For Your Thoughts, Time Heals What Love And Reason Cannot

♥To the one who says good night to me ♥

December 7, 2009 No Comments

It’s been two… or was it three years since I’ve known him. I never knew that I could love a guy in a platonic and sisterly way. He may be world apart from me, he keeps me company when I was lonely and bored to death with my mundane life. We fool around like a bunch of rascal and delights in it. He’s a younger brother that I wish I had. He is Seng. SaintSeng.My personal saint and a always a fighter in my heart.

LOL… Jie will try not to make this corny and lame, but you have always been the warrior who guards jie from the monsters. You’ve always been jie’s HERO!

Always guards jie from the aliens in Kulan Fields, the big bad wolves in El-Nath, and yes, not to mention the Papulatus Clock in the Ludibrium Clock tower. And in return jie has always let you leech jie at Skellies. LOL…(OMG, wtf, Jie let you leech!). It’s just too bad that we did not have the chance to go challenge Zakum or Horn tail together. It might have been awesome to die together again~!

SaintSeng and cleffairy a.k.a Azumeril has come a long way, and we have died countless, painful death in the most hilarious ways.

It was always a simply “Good night jie”, “Sweet dreams, jie”, and there’s always “Are you okay, jie?”, but those are the things that never failed to cheer me up and jie will treasure it forever.

Here’s from your jie, Cleffairy, the one whom you met for the first time in Henesys Hunting Ground while ks-ing noobs (tsk tsk tsk, why my lil bro so nottie wan ah?), wishing you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Jie know now you’re on ship somewhere in Batam, probably working your butt to death and cannot reply to jie, but jie hope you’ll be happy and successful no matter where you are. Jie pray you’ll be safe on board, okay? (Careful with the Balrog on the ship ah~! LOL)

Cheers to you, Seng. This entry is in honour of your birthday, my beloved didi!

Cleffairy: Sobs! Jie’s didi grow up liao! Big boy liao! Nonid jie to tell bedtime stories liao. Wei, you go Batam dun work and paktor oni ah… dun forget buy Xmas pressie for jie oh! Just dun buy jie a dog can liao, cuz jie’s house oredi got a cat!